I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
