Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
