Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
