Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
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I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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