Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
