First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
