so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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