It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
