So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my liver is dry heaving
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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