im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
