he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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