my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
