He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
