I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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