bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
