just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
