I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize