Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
