I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
