community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
