Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
