i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
