I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
