just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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