i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
