It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize