No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
