You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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