i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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