just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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