I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
