He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
