I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
