I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
