I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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