Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
50% drunk capacity currently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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