i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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