i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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