Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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