Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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