can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
