i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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