This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
