Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
