just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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