If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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