Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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