I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
one two three fourrrrnication!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
