first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
