i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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