At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
