she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
